Saturday, February 28, 2009

The Countryman and the Snake



The Countryman and the Snake

A countryman's son accidentally stepped on a snake's tail. The snake turned and bit the young man who soon thereafter died. In a rage, the father went after the snake with his axe and cut off its tail. Infuriated, the snake started killing the countryman's cattle. Now, instead of retaliating, the countryman thought it best to make peace with the snake and so he brought food and honey to its lair. The countryman called into the hole, "Let's forgive and forget. My son was wrong and you punished him. My reaction was understandable but certainly uncalled for. That you would take vengeance on my cattle comes as no surprise. However, now that we have each had our retribution perhaps it is best to put all of this behind us." The snake slithered toward the countryman and got all up in his face. "Look at this tail!" cried the snake. "Just look at it! Do you think I'm ever going to get a mate with this thing?" The snake paused for dramatic effect. "Listen Pal, by the time my lawyer gets through with you you'll be pleading for me to bite you too." The snake then turned and started to slither away but then stopped and looked back toward the countryman. "I'll see you in court!"

Moral: The only thing more lethal than a snake bite is litigation

The Salt Merchant and His Ass



The "Salt" Merchant and His Ass

A merchant took his ass to Macedonia to buy "salt." On the way home the pack animal slipped and fell into a stream. On rising, the ass noticed that its load was considerably lighter because some of the "salt" had dissolved. The merchant returned to the purveyor to replenish the lost "salt" and upon reloading the ass, it trotted off to the stream's edge and deliberately fell in hoping again to lessen its load. Recognizing what was happening, the merchant went off and purchased several sacks of sponges. The ass was reloaded, but this time when it fell into the stream it was weighted down. On the long journey back to Athens, the merchant laughed at the ass now saddled with its heavy and soaked load.

Of course, the ass knew full well that what it was toting was not salt as the merchant claimed, but pure Macedonian cocaine with an estimated street value in Athens of at least two million drachmas. For years, the ass tried to put its own complicity in this smuggling operation out of its mind, but this sponge thing was the final humiliation. That night after the merchant went to sleep, the ass made a call to the Federal Prosecutor's office and copped a plea bargain. The following morning the merchant was arrested.

During the trial, the ass proved the prosecution's key witness. A guilty verdict was handed down after a short deliberation and the merchant was sentenced to five years. The ass remains in the witness protection program.

Moral: No one likes a smart ass.

Friday, February 27, 2009

The Turtle and the Eagle




The Turtle and the Eagle

Once a turtle, basking in the sun, wondered aloud what it would be like to fly. An eagle overhearing the turtle offered to take it aloft. The turtle agreed and the eagle carried it almost to the clouds, but suddenly let go. The turtle fell to the ground, its shell smashed to pieces. The eagle landed and then made a meal of the poor turtle.

The following week the eagle came across another basking turtle wondering what it would be like to fly. The eagle laughed to itself. "Turtles are such rubes." It approached the turtle and offered to carry it into the sky.The reptile assented and the eagle took flight with the turtle in its clutches. However, this time when the eagle released the turtle a tiny parachute popped out of its shell and the turtle began a slow descent toward the ground. Outwitted but undeterred, the eagle circled leisurely and then landed on the ground where it awaited the arrival of its airborne meal.

Minutes passed and the eagle grew bored. It looked out across the rocks, searching for anything to hold its interest. 'When is that turtle going to get here?' wondered the eagle. An instant later the turtle crashed down on the eagle's head, knocking it out cold. The turtle stepped over the eagle, reached into its shell and pulled out a cigarette. It lit it and looked around. Among the rocks appeared the heads of other turtles. The turtle flicked the ash from the end of its cigarette. "Is this the guy that ate Lenny?" it asked? The other turtles nodded affirming his suspicion. "Okay," said the turtle.

A week later the eagle's body was found in the trunk of a car in the Newark Airport parking lot.

Moral: Always know who you're dealing with in New Jersey.

How the tortoise really won the race

Moral of the story: rules are meant to be broken.

The Zebra, Hippo, Alligator,Monkey, Hare, Giraffe and Lemmings


This is that obscure fable about the two Lemmings who decide to drive to the cliffs at Dover on a Bank Holiday and throw themselves onto the rocks below. Their friends the Zebra, the Alligator, the Hippo, the Giraffe, the Hare and the Monkey are apalled at this reckless behavior and try and stop them by racing up the motorway- stopping the traffic and causing utter chaos and confusion. Their actions of the friends causes a terrible accident and several pelicans and a stoat are killed.

The moral - Leave well enough alone.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

The Anteater, Horse, Springbok and Dog


The little known Aesop's fable of the Anteater who invites his friends Dog, Springbok and Horse round to see his new bedroon furniture and the fun they have playing "hide and seek" until someone decides to hide Anteater's ear plugs. They spend several days trying to find them and squabble most of that time- blaming each other for playing such a poor trick.

The moral being - Don't leave your ear plugs on the bedside table.

The Lion and the Mouse


{Excerpt}: Those fierce beasts may have a reputation for being loud and dangerous, but that's the way I like 'em. Besides, as soon as we made eye contact I could tell he wanted me, needed my tender, skilled touch to relieve his throbbing ache. I didn't even care who was watching. I was so ready to show him just how good I could make him feel...
Moral of the story: Don't judge a book by its cover.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

The Great Train Robbery

Heavy Handbag Snatcher


This is from the Boys Book Of Scotland Yard and is funny without my intervention really. I just felt compelled to use it. I have added some collaged elements which don't do much for the picture really. I just love the thief here who looks like he's hobbling away very slowly under the weight of the handbag! I added some more bulk to the handbag with my pen.

International Money Laundering


Thinking there must be crime everywhere, I used Angelica's challenge method of opening a random magazine to a random page. Mr. Big and his creative bookkeeper were on it, and the policemen were on the reverse side.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The Fainting Game

When we were in school a few of us would try to hold our breaths until we fainted. I don't recall if any of us really succeeded, but we often became dizzy enough to fall to the ground. (posted by Scrapatorium for Fast Eyes)

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Saturday Morning Pictures


This really is a homage to all those Republic Serials I watched as a kid down at the local cinema in Pitsea in Essex. It was called The Century and sadly has been turned into a Bingo hall. Back in the 50's and early 60's it had a children's matinee on Saturday mornings and you could go along and watch a feature, a serial and a cartoon or a short. Typical fare was a Laurel & Hardy short or maybe the Three Stooges. The feature would be a cowboy film or if we were lucky something like The Day The Earth Stood Still or Forbidden Planet. The serials were always a high point for me as they kept you on the edge of your seat, wondering what would happen in next week's thrilling episode! How would Captain Marvel get his head out of that box of dynamite? Would the Falcon jump from the flaming car as it went over the cliff?
My favourite of all was Captain Video - a sci-fi story with cardboard props and ray guns that look like they were made out of old cereal packets and toilet roll tubes! So great for kids to make when they got home and re-enacted the whole story with their friends outside.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Watch your head!


My first job was reading water meters for the town one year. That meant asking people if I could go down into their cellar with my flashlight & billing pad to write down the numbers-- no exterior electronic counters in those days. Good thing I wasn't 6'4" yet or I really would have needed a hardhat for those low beams & pipes!

The Imagine Nation

When I was a kid, we would build forts out of discarded lumber or cardboard. Those little constructs could be anything we wanted them to be; a time machine, an old west fort, a futuristic city, a spaceship, a castle full of monsters or just a hideaway from the grown-ups. The imagination I used back then carries through into my art today. I guess I never really grew up.

This is How I Rolled

As soon as I got home from school I would put on my play clothes, lace up my skates and hit the sidewalks with my best friend.

Irrational numbers

Growing up as a child in a communist country we had school 6 days per week. Homework inevitably  included lots of maths. I used to play with my auntie's rabbit and my favourite colour for a long time was green.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Jay the Crow



Between the ages of two and four I was bitten by a field mouse, a dog and perhaps most unusual of all, a crow. The neighborhood children named the crow, Jay and each morning he would fly from house to house to be fed. One morning I stepped outside the kitchen door to feed Jay a Frito. As I was feeding him, he nipped my finger. It wasn't painful, but it was noteworthy. I told my mother who was quite alarmed called my pediatrician. According to her, the following conversation transpired:

Mother: "Dr. Rambar, Hugh has been bitten by a crow.
Doctor: very long pause.
Mother: Doctor?
Doctor: Judy, I don't even know what to say to you. I'm going to have to look this one up.

The doctor hung up and called back a few minutes later instructing my mother to put some Bactine on it and then a Band Aid.

From childhood through adulthood, my grandfather regularly began our conversations with "Have you been bitten by anything lately?"

When I was twelve

When I was a kid, we lived in Alaska... There were so many unforgettable moments, but the one that sticks out the most was when I was twelve... A Volcano erupted and it literally looked like the sky was falling. It rained down ash on our neighborhood all day.
Everything was canceled. My brother wasn't allowed outside for a week due to asthma.
I wore a mask and played with my friends, it was like being on another planet.

Camping


Saw a young moose once, but never a rhino in New England...

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Friday, February 13, 2009

Picnic

The H P Sauce Gang


This is just a fictitious gang although I remember the ubiquitous bottle of HP on the dining room table along with Heinz Tomato Sauce ( we don't call it ketchup ). Also the Shipham's Fish Paste my mother used to put in my sandwiches for school- yuk!

Collection Agent


As a youngster, I would ask the corner store if they had any advertising signs they were getting rid of. Probably still have some of them, somewhere. My roots for appreciating "stuff" run deep...

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The Crying Game

Guessed correctly by Scrapatorium!

One Hour Photo

Collaborative guesswork between Renzntzman & wastedpapiers!

Monday, February 09, 2009

Damn Yankees

I'll send this to the person who gets it right.

1000 Journals DVD

I purchased the 1000 Journals DVD on Amazon a few weeks ago. I'd be happy to lend it to any of the Scrapiteria members who would like to see it. I can't say that I loved it, but maybe one of you will enjoy it more than me and I can at least get my money's worth by letting others view it. Email me or leave a comment and I will mail it to you. If there are more than one of you who would like to see it, I'll make a list and you all can mail it from one member to the next.

A Day At The Races

Birdman Of Alcatraz


Another classic film which shouldn't take you too long to guess.

A Room with a View

Guessed correctly by Punwit's wife!

Love at First Bite

Guessed correctly by Scrapatorium!

The Science of Sleep

Guessed correctly by wastedpapiers!

Sunday, February 08, 2009