The Ventriloquist

He would throw his voice from the most unexpected places.

V8 Rhinoceros

The brainchild of a mid-1960s joint venture between General Motors and the Consortium of Big Game hunters, the V8 Rhino was a wonder of bioengineering. Virtually indestructable, incredibly fuel inefficient, and adored by men with giant but fragile egos, the vehicular mammal in many ways was a precursor of GM's Hummer. Replacement parts proved the V8 Rhinos undoing. Finding a mechanic to service them in the heart of the Serengheti Plain proved nearly impossible. By the early 1970s, the Rhinos had fallen out of favor and ended up up on blocks and out to pasture. However, in the mid-1970s the diesel powered animals were rediscovered by young Masai warriors who took to customizing them. An entire subculture grew up around the customized rhinos as the young warriors would take them out for Saturday evening grazing designed to assert their status within the culture and catch the eye of potential girlfriends. Unfortunately, by the mid 1980s, the four on the floor quadrapeds once again fell out of favor and ended up back up on blocks. Today, the few remaining rhinos can be found at custom car shows or in wildlife reserves.

Belling the Cat

Belling the Cat

The mice assembled to consider measures to outwit the cruel and seemingly voracious cat. A number of ideas were put forth, but then a young mouse scurried forward and spoke. "What if we place a bell on a ribbon and slide it over the cat's neck so that whenever it tries to sneak up on us we will have advanced warning." The other mice considered this a first rate idea, until an old mouse spoke up. "That is all very well, but who is to bell the cat?" The mice looked at one another but none of them said a word. Then the old mouse continued. "I think we all know what I mean when I say "bell" the cat. The mice glanced at one another sheepishly. The old mouse lowered his voice and said, "I know a turtle down in New Jersey that can take care of this matter for us."

Moral: It always pays to hire a professional.

The Countryman and the Snake

The Countryman and the Snake

A countryman's son accidentally stepped on a snake's tail. The snake turned and bit the young man who soon thereafter died. In a rage, the father went after the snake with his axe and cut off its tail. Infuriated, the snake started killing the countryman's cattle. Now, instead of retaliating, the countryman thought it best to make peace with the snake and so he brought food and honey to its lair. The countryman called into the hole, "Let's forgive and forget. My son was wrong and you punished him. My reaction was understandable but certainly uncalled for. That you would take vengeance on my cattle comes as no surprise. However, now that we have each had our retribution perhaps it is best to put all of this behind us." The snake slithered toward the countryman and got all up in his face. "Look at this tail!" cried the snake. "Just look at it! Do you think I'm ever going to get a mate with this thing?" The snake paused for dramatic effect. "Listen Pal, by the time my lawyer gets through with you you'll be pleading for me to bite you too." The snake then turned and started to slither away but then stopped and looked back toward the countryman. "I'll see you in court!"

Moral: The only thing more lethal than a snake bite is litigation

The Salt Merchant and His Ass

The "Salt" Merchant and His Ass

A merchant took his ass to Macedonia to buy "salt." On the way home the pack animal slipped and fell into a stream. On rising, the ass noticed that its load was considerably lighter because some of the "salt" had dissolved. The merchant returned to the purveyor to replenish the lost "salt" and upon reloading the ass, it trotted off to the stream's edge and deliberately fell in hoping again to lessen its load. Recognizing what was happening, the merchant went off and purchased several sacks of sponges. The ass was reloaded, but this time when it fell into the stream it was weighted down. On the long journey back to Athens, the merchant laughed at the ass now saddled with its heavy and soaked load.

Of course, the ass knew full well that what it was toting was not salt as the merchant claimed, but pure Macedonian cocaine with an estimated street value in Athens of at least two million drachmas. For years, the ass tried to put its own complicity in this smuggling operation out of its mind, but this sponge thing was the final humiliation. That night after the merchant went to sleep, the ass made a call to the Federal Prosecutor's office and copped a plea bargain. The following morning the merchant was arrested.

During the trial, the ass proved the prosecution's key witness. A guilty verdict was handed down after a short deliberation and the merchant was sentenced to five years. The ass remains in the witness protection program.

Moral: No one likes a smart ass.

The Turtle and the Eagle

The Turtle and the Eagle

Once a turtle, basking in the sun, wondered aloud what it would be like to fly. An eagle overhearing the turtle offered to take it aloft. The turtle agreed and the eagle carried it almost to the clouds, but suddenly let go. The turtle fell to the ground, its shell smashed to pieces. The eagle landed and then made a meal of the poor turtle.

The following week the eagle came across another basking turtle wondering what it would be like to fly. The eagle laughed to itself. "Turtles are such rubes." It approached the turtle and offered to carry it into the sky.The reptile assented and the eagle took flight with the turtle in its clutches. However, this time when the eagle released the turtle a tiny parachute popped out of its shell and the turtle began a slow descent toward the ground. Outwitted but undeterred, the eagle circled leisurely and then landed on the ground where it awaited the arrival of its airborne meal.

Minutes passed and the eagle grew bored. It looked out across the rocks, searching for anything to hold its interest. 'When is that turtle going to get here?' wondered the eagle. An instant later the turtle crashed down on the eagle's head, knocking it out cold. The turtle stepped over the eagle, reached into its shell and pulled out a cigarette. It lit it and looked around. Among the rocks appeared the heads of other turtles. The turtle flicked the ash from the end of its cigarette. "Is this the guy that ate Lenny?" it asked? The other turtles nodded affirming his suspicion. "Okay," said the turtle.

A week later the eagle's body was found in the trunk of a car in the Newark Airport parking lot.

Moral: Always know who you're dealing with in New Jersey.

Bouncing Czechs

Illegal Phone Tapping

Identity Theft

Horse Thief

Jay the Crow

Between the ages of two and four I was bitten by a field mouse, a dog and perhaps most unusual of all, a crow. The neighborhood children named the crow, Jay and each morning he would fly from house to house to be fed. One morning I stepped outside the kitchen door to feed Jay a Frito. As I was feeding him, he nipped my finger. It wasn't painful, but it was noteworthy. I told my mother who was quite alarmed called my pediatrician. According to her, the following conversation transpired:

Mother: "Dr. Rambar, Hugh has been bitten by a crow.
Doctor: very long pause.
Mother: Doctor?
Doctor: Judy, I don't even know what to say to you. I'm going to have to look this one up.

The doctor hung up and called back a few minutes later instructing my mother to put some Bactine on it and then a Band Aid.

From childhood through adulthood, my grandfather regularly began our conversations with "Have you been bitten by anything lately?"

My Left Foot

He's Just Not That Into You

War of the Worlds

The Caine Mutiny

New Member - Hugh Musick

Amazing Boy

Please help me in welcoming our newest Scrapiteria member, Hugh Musick from Chicago. I recently did an interview with him on Scrapatorium, so take a look so you can learn all about him. I'm excited to have him here because not only is he a great artist, he also writes the best stories to accompany his collages. I think you all will enjoy them as much as I do!